You Know What Creams My Corn? (F-J)

A lot of things.

I know, I know, being a hater of things is so basic in 2020, I shouldn’t even be writing this, but I read this self help book called ‘You Do You’ (and no, no one ever writes a book on masturbation- or do they?), so here I am, Me Doing Me. Continuing on after the A-E of things I am not a fan of.

F: Fuckboys

That there is a category dedicated to guys who will break, break your- break, break your heart is testament to the number of guys in this category. Dictionary.com defines a fuckboy as the following:

In 2017, a fuckboy is someone who doesn’t respect women, is a player who won’t commit, and is basic in his clothing choices and personality.

Basic clothing aside, unfortunately the number of fuckboys is almost as scary as the number of active coronavirus cases. But no one seems to be isolating themselves from fuckboys, do they? The thing about fuckboys is you never realise you are being played by them. They are super sweet when you are with them, and they treat you like you are the only woman around and only woman for them, and then when you look away for one second- boom! You’ve been ghosted, son. It comes as a surprise because things were going so well, and he said all the right things, and he was so sincere. He seemed like such a nice guy, so different from the others. Why did he make the effort to get to know me if he was going to ghost me in the end? Why did he not just tell me what he was looking for in the first place? We could have talked it out and we could have made this work.

Here’s the deal: talking about things and making things work with a significant other are hard work. A fuckboy will work hard to get to know you because he is invested in you for the sex. Or the fun times. Or the conversation. Or just wants companionship. When it gets real, he freaks out and ends things. It could be ugly, or it could be decent. It’s more likely he will ghost you, though, because for someone who doesn’t have the gall to talk to you about what he wants, he probably won’t have the gall to tell you he wants to end things. My advice? Don’t take other people’s advice (pretty rich for someone who just advised you to not take people’s advice, only mine). Your female friends, your male friends, your sisters, your cousins, whoever- don’t take their advice. Go into it if your heart says you should. The heart wants what it wants and I’m pretty sure regardless of people’s advice we all fuck about anyway to give the heart what it wants. Our friends and loved ones will always have a cautious eye out for us, so they can’t be blamed for wanting us to not do something. But if your heart says you should do it, I say go for it. Take risks, make some mistakes, own these mistakes, and live life without wondering ‘what if?’. Who knows? Maybe this will all turn out to be for the best. Our friends are programmed to want us to take risks and have fun but the minute we start taking risks and having fun they ask us to stop- because they care about us and don’t want to see us getting hurt. But they are not the ones making the ‘mistake’. They aren’t the ones living it. We are. We know what the real deal is. If our gut says yes, then there’s no looking around for excuses to not go for it. So, for all we know, this could be the biggest adventure and the best happy ending we could hope for. And if not, you will start to identify behavioural patterns with fuckboys and get away from shit before it even starts to get toxic. That’s some next level awareness.

G: Ghosting

In an unexpected turn of events, turns out I am actually for ghosting and not against it. I’m kidding (what a controversial opinion, there, I could feel the tension in the air). But I would still treat it on a case by case basis. Never would I advise ghosting as a way of breaking up if you’ve been seeing each other for more than a few weeks. Both parties involved have invested some amount of time, money and emotion into this thing that has lasted for a few weeks and both parties deserve a proper goodbye. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, just something to say, hey, I had a good time, but now we must part ways.

I was once with a guy who texted me ‘I think our dates have been going very well but I’m not sure the chemistry is there’ after three dates. I love this man so much (not in the romantic sense) because to me, he is the epitome of gall in the dating world. He had asked me after every date how I thought things were going. We had been out on a total of three dates across two weeks. That’s not a lot of dates and we definitely did not have much conversation on WhatsApp going on. The easy way out for him would have been to just never text me again. If I ever texted him (which I wouldn’t have, because I wasn’t feeling the chemistry either and I am the biggest chicken I have ever known), he could have easily just never responded and I would have done nothing about it (except bitch about him on this section). Instead, he offered me an explanation of why he thought we shouldn’t be seeing each other. That is one of the most respectful people I have ever come across.

When is it okay to ghost?

Probably never.

But I am quite the chicken and I may have excused myself for ghosting some members of the male species because I’d only been chatting to them for a few days and hadn’t felt anything.

(Now, this is mainly me making myself feel a little better, but ghosting is never okay).

I was once in conversation with a guy that I had matched on a dating platform. We had been speaking for about three days when we decided we would meet for a drink but then I had a friend’s engagement party come up and so I had to cancel on the guy. When I thought about it, I didn’t see a future with the guy. He was a bit of a hippie and I wasn’t actually attracted to him. I had only said yes to the drink because I wanted to get a drink that weekend. When I cancelled, I felt like I didn’t want to reschedule. My thoughts instantly went to the number of times guys had cancelled on me and not rescheduled (I mean, that happened like one time) and I thought this was my chance to seek vengeance of men.

For days he kept texting ‘hey’ to me and I never responded, mainly because I was either at work, or talking to another guy who seemed way more interesting than this hippie guy. When talking to guys at the same time became too much for me, I had to choose one out of the two of them and I chose the new one because new is always better (probably not an appropriate thing to say everywhere). I didn’t have the gall to say to him that I didn’t see a future with him and that I didn’t want to keep chatting with him. Instead, I stopped replying- but he didn’t stop texting. So, I blocked him. Surely, he would get the hint. He didn’t. He sent me a text from his work number to tell me off for being a terrible person.

I am not going to defend what I did- I maintain that in that moment I thought it was the right thing to do, just not to reply to him. But when he gave me a piece of his mind I felt like the biggest bitch to have ever lived. That was the day I realised the hard truth- fuckboys exist but women are no saints.

H: Hum Aapke Hain Kaun

This is one of those classic movies from the ’90s that everybody has watched. Most of us, anyway. It’s a ridiculous movie, but it’s beloved by all. Almost all. I remember liking the movie for various reasons- it’s simple, there isn’t much drama, and the love portrayed in it is pure and innocent. Barring the over the top shyness from the ladies (which I guess was era appropriate), the movie was actually great. If you haven’t watched the movie, let me provide a brief synopsis.

Groom’s family sends a rishta to the bride’s family. Bride and groom fall in love over a cup of tea. Bride and groom get married. Bride’s sister and groom’s brother have been secretly flirting behind the scenes and also fall in love and want to get married. Bride and groom have a baby. Bride and groom’s families get together and sing a long-ass song. Bride goes to her parent’s house and gets overly excited when she finds out her sister and groom’s brother are in love. The phone rings, she goes to answer, misses a step while walking downstairs, plummets to her death. Baby is now motherless, groom is now bride-less. Parents of the bride think, ‘hey, we have another one. You vhaants?’ Groom’s family think, yeah why not, she knows the jazz, she’s seen her sister do it. Bride’s family ask sister- do you want to be married into that house?

Bride’s sister thinks, hellllz yeah.

She does not realise the bride’s groom is her groom too, so she says yes and only finds out about the mistake when the flipping wedding invites get published. She phones the groom’s brother and they sing a song on the phone about how they have to part ways. In the chaos of the wedding, bride’s sister wants to return a necklace to groom’s brother so she asks the family dog to do it. There’s so many people in the house, she could have asked any of the humans to do it. But lucky for her, the dog is rooting for the bride’s sister and the groom’s brother to get together. The necklace has a note attached to it stating that she is in love with the groom’s brother and the dog delivers it to the groom. Not the brother. Groom is upset. You didn’t think to tell me this before the wedding? Bride’s sister and groom’s brother get married and then do the fugdi and live happily ever after. Baby now has a chachi, everybody wins.

My rather sarcastic commentary aside, the film did really well and continues to be watched with fondness by people the world over. It talks about family and love and it’s a sweet movie to watch. The songs are hilarious too. But I have an issue with this movie. Of course, I do, I wouldn’t be ranting if I didn’t.

My question is this- why did the sister have to die? There is so much wrong with the premise of the movie- the sister’s death. Why was the sister walking so carelessly? Woman, you have a baby, just watch where you’re walking. If not for yourself, think about your family. Why did she have to die? Why did nobody have the gall to say anything about the younger brother and younger sister already being an item? Literally everyone in the household knew- except for the parents! The servants of the family were conspiring behind the scenes to figure out ways to get the young lovers some alone time. They ensured that they would have time and space to perform the hilarious peacock dance from the song ‘Pehla Pehla Pyaar Hai’. Sure, they wanted to be respectful of the decision made by the elders of the household but standing up for what you want is not disrespectful, it’s called living your life. It’s movies like this that have set up unreasonable expectations of love and respect for the average Indian family (I may have taken it a little bit too personally. But hey, if you want to watch another movie that has set up unreasonable expectations of love and respect for the average Indian family, watch Baghban. Guaranteed argument starter).

I: Indian Parents’ Obsession with Getting their Kids Married

Maybe this isn’t an Indian parent thing, maybe it’s a parent thing. My problem is not with parents, my problem is with the tools that Indian parents now have to coerce kids into marriage. Namely, websites that claim to be the world’s №1 Matchmaking service with over millions of success stories. Before Tinder and Bumble were the rage, Indian marriage brokers were breaking the internet with this little website. Obviously with millions of success stories I can’t say that they are a hoax but in the context of my life, they are. I have come across various people that my parents have claimed may be ‘the one’, but I can tell you they are not. My friend recently came up with the perfect analogy. Imagine you want to buy handmade Swiss chocolate. Decadent, rich, delicious handmade Swiss chocolate. Sounds exciting, right? And then instead of taking you to a high quality store they take you to a worn down store in the middle of nowhere, and say, ‘this is it, these are your choices.’ So, I’m supposed to find me a husband from this group of people I am incompatible with me? Okay, great, there’s a dagger next to my bed; when I’m asleep, why don’t you just pierce it through my back? Just right in between the shoulder blades? Thanks.

To give you context, here’s a list of people I met through this website: The man who looked like Diljit Dosanjh and unfortunately also spoke like Diljit Dosanjh; the man whose face looked like a pillow; the slightly pervy guy who was very close to asking me to send nudes; the man who spent half an hour talking about what a marriage is (I know that in the future the man I marry will invariably turn into an Uncle, but I don’t want to start out with a pre-existing Uncle); the man with the unibrow (besides the unibrow, he also made it abundantly clear that staying in my presence was making him uncomfortable and our coffee date lasted less than 45 minutes); the man who was obviously in the closet; and the fuckboy who fucked off.

J: Judgmental Aunties

You know, there is so much to not like about Judgmental Aunties. They have the power to ruin the happiest of weddings and the saddest of funerals, and yet they are always invited to every social gathering ever- you know why? Because human beings thrive on drama. Think of a mundane existence. Nothing ever goes wrong. Life moves forward in a straightforward fashion. You are basically a horse. You wear blinkers and you move forward. How dull is that? Now add a judgmental aunty to the mix and she’ll probably comment on your walk and make you self conscious. Now it’s fun, isn’t it? The judgmental aunty is not the problem. The problem is the people who take into account what the judgmental aunty thinks and what she has to say and base life decisions on that. You know what I’m talking about, right? Ever heard anyone in your family say something along the lines of ‘log kya kahenge?’ Have you ever tried arguing with the people who say these things? It’s like talking to a wall.

Having said that, there is also so much to like about these aunties. Think of the entertainment value these aunties bring into our lives. Have you ever overheard an aunty conversation? Every aunty conversation follows the same recipe:

2 or more Aunties

1 Main Topic of Discussion

Sugar, Spice, and Barely Anything Nice

It always starts with a civil conversation about the main topic of discussion (something like ‘So Majeet’s daughter is very nice, she’s single at the moment but she’s nice, and she’s turning 27 this year’). The two aunties, let’s say Baby and Lovely, would be having a lovely conversation about how Manjeet’’s daughter is so nice. And then comes the sugar, spice and everything else they would like to add to the conversation. I heard Manjeet’s daughter has a white boyfriend. Really? Oh, speaking of white people, did you hear Simi’s son who was previously dating a white girl but married that other Indian girl because his parents wanted him to, is getting a divorce because turns out the girl was a gold digger? What can you even say about divorces in this day and age, it’s become so common. What does she do, Majeet’s daughter? Maybe we can fix her up with Simi’s son. Oh, she earns well and she’s got a Master’s degree from a prestigious university, she’s going to have to lower her standards if she wants a husband. Anyway, it’s none of our business.

I love these conversations so much. Menjeet’s daughter and Simi’s son don’t even know they’ve been ripped to shreds. But anyway, it’s none of their business.