It’s every woman’s worst fear.
Well, maybe not fear as much as a necessity in this day and age. In 2019 BC (Before Coronavirus), we needed online dating platforms because meeting someone in person was becoming increasingly difficult. For me personally, any nice guy that I met in person was either already involved with someone or was gay or would rather be friends with me than date me. I met a lot of creeps too, but that’s every woman’s story. So online dating had become the only option for me. Now, in 2020, we need online dating because, well, social distancing (also, side note, if you’re going on a date with someone you meet through a dating app, is it acceptable to request for a negative COVID test result from them, no older than 24 hours?). Through my time in the single lady life I have found many a typical man that you will meet on the dating platforms of the world.
- The Fuckboys
This one was obviously going to be a part of this list. It’s almost as if dating apps are the breeding grounds for these boys. A fuckboy is basically a player. You might wonder, if women hate fuckboys so much, why do they keep getting trapped in their webs so often? It’s because love makes you blind as well as dumb. No, I’m kidding. Love does make you a lot softer than you were though. I digress. It’s because a fuckboy says and does the right things in the beginning and then when you’re in the trap, he reveals his true colours. Like ‘oh, babe, you know I love you but why do we have to label anything?’ For a minute you think, ‘I do know he loves me. I know what we are. Why do we have to label anything? What is in a name anyway? A cactus by any name would prick as much’. And then not many moons later, you realise you are being played and things end and you find yourself in your bedroom, cocooning in your duvet, bottle of wine in hand, binging on The Crown, secretly relating to the Queen when she finds pictures of a Russian ballerina in Prince Philip’s desk. Do I sound like a beacon of positivity or what?
2. The Sexters
These are the guys you match with, thinking ‘Damn, he is foine!’ and lucky for you, they’re thinking the same about you. Things take an ugly turn when mid-chat they send you a picture of their privates because ‘looking at your pictures just got (me) going’. So romantic.
3. The Guys Who Don’t Look Like Their Pictures
Apparently Salman Khan is one of them. I heard that he looks a lot better in pictures because he is very photogenic and looking at him in real life is a disappointment. Although that could be true for everyone, even me. If I could walk around with a ‘Paris’ filter on my face I would, but unfortunately my acne is here to stay.
The guys who don’t look like their pictures are the worst because you walk into the date thinking ‘man looked foine in pictures, conversation on text was great, probably going to have a nice time with man’, but then one look at him and you think, ‘this is not what he looked like in his pictures. How do I abort this mission?’
Now, not to sound shallow (or sure, I’ll sound shallow for a minute, why not, I’m only human), most of my right swipes have been based on the gorgeousness of the guys. How they look is the only thing you are sure about when you walk into a date. Nothing else is certain- their voice, their physique (they could have used an old picture from when they were muscular and now maybe they lost it all- I know I have used pictures from when I was 23 because my skin looked great), nothing! But their face is one thing you can be sure about. And then when that doesn’t pan out, it’s a huge bummer. And what’s worse is that you now have to spend the next however long with man, making conversation, all the while thinking ‘you don’t look like your pictures, why don’t you look like your pictures?’
In the show How I Met Your Mother, Barney Stinson came up with a Lemon Law, where you have a five minute window at the beginning of the date to call it quits with no hard feelings. I want that to be a thing.
4. The Nice Guys You Don’t Like
AKA the guys who would make great friends but you are just not feeling the romantic feelz. I know this sounds like the friendzone but it really isn’t. I detest the term ‘friendzone’. I think it’s something that men have coined for when they can’t accept the fact that someone does not return their feelings of affection. It just doesn’t happen that a woman thinks you are too good of a friend and hence, cannot sleep with you. As a woman, I can tell you that if she has the ability and even the slightest of desire to sleep with you, she will drop a hint. But I digress.
These are the really nice and sweet guys you might meet but you just don’t have any romantic feelings for them, which is a bummer, right? How often does it happen that you meet a really nice and sweet guy?
5. The Nice Guys That Don’t Like You
This is the most frustrating situation to be involved in. You meet someone, you go out a few times, and then he says to you- ‘I think we’ve had a nice time but I’m not sure you’re the one for me’. This one hurts. Not because you developed strong feelings for them- no. It’s because in your head they were starting to become perfect for everything. Decent job- tick. Nice face- tick. Facial hair- tick. Tall enough so that you can wear heels- tick. Sense of humour- tick. Will attend the opera with you because he wants to not because you forced him to- tick. They start ticking all the boxes and you feel like there could really be something there. But they are just not that into you. And that’s the end of that. It sucks. But what can you do?
6. The Rebound Guys
Dating apps after a breakup remind me of Charles Dickens’ immortal words- ‘it was the best of times, it was the worst of times’. Being on a dating app equates to the best of times when you are single and free to do pretty much whatever you like- fool around, date casually, or find ‘The One’ (if you believe in ‘The One’. I think ‘The One’ is Santa, a lie you tell gullible children). It is also the worst of times because as you browse and find nothing you like, you spiral into a whirlpool of grief and regret, wishing that things could go back to the way they were. That is until you find The Rebound Guy. This guy doesn’t know he is the rebound guy, but you do. You choose this guy as your rebound guy based on Kareena Kapoor’s criteria for her prom date- 1) Good Looks, 2) Good Looks, and 3) Good Looks. You make enough conversation with him to know that there is some semblance of connection. And then you do what you need to bounce back into sanity.
7. The Ghosts
We can’t talk about online dating and not talk about the ghosting phenomenon. The ease of avoiding uncomfortable conversations related to the ‘I am just not that into you’ variety has made ghosting a phenomenon. The ghosts are, in all manner of speaking, ghosts. They are in your life one minute, and the next minute it’s like they have turned into an actual ghost. Unreachable. Unresponsive. For all intensive purposes, dead to you. Unless they are on your social media. Then it’s just a slap in the face.