SEX
One Month of Self Love
A more and more sought after solution during a global pandemic
A lot of things can cause a dry spell- a breakup that makes you want to focus on yourself, perhaps an STI that calls for abstinence, or just something simpler like an aversion to people because people are stupid. However, stupidity amongst people doesn’t stop us from wanting to feel ‘the loving’. A lot of the time it’s not just the emotionally fulfilling nature of a relationship that we crave but the physical aspect of it.
The summer of 2020 was quite possibly the most difficult time for the single person’s libido. Dating apps changed their interfaces and provided video chat as an option to make communication seem more real. And of course, the erotically charged ones amongst us would have used video chat as a way to make sex more real as well. Call me old-fashioned, but I couldn’t gather the self-confidence to make myself appealing on video chat. To me, sex required the dark, and heavy breathing to let both (or all) parties know that satisfaction from the act is forthcoming. A dark room on video chat was hardly going to turn anyone on, and heavy breathing-well, if we can move on from the question ‘can you hear me?’ I will start counting on heavy breathing as an indicator of good sex.
So for a lot of us, masturbation was the only solution, and during the tough times that the lockdown brought on my nether regions, I discovered the most sensual month of my entire life. You’d think it’s a bit sad that I discovered it all on my own and without a sexual partner, but if you think about it, now you’ve discovered your own preferences and sensualised yourself enough to know that your in-person sex life is going to blow yours and your partner’s minds.
Don’t Be Ashamed
Historically, masturbation has been something of a taboo. We read about it, we write about it, but if we talk about it to friends, not everyone gives us a positive reaction. Some might even raise their eyebrows and start quoting religious texts to tell us that we should be using our time to think about and do other fruitful things. Rest assured, religious texts cover, broadly speaking, how human beings should conduct themselves in a peaceful fashion and not cause harm to anyone. Pleasure unto oneself is hardly the thing that any saint would ever refer to. Masturbation is your time with yourself, making yourself feel the pleasure that you deserve. Don’t be ashamed of it.
And the same applies to the actual act of pleasuring yourself. Why should masturbation be treated any differently to sex? On special occasions we might wear special lingerie, maybe bring out scented candles, music- all because they are linked to certain aspects of your sexual encounter with your partner and make everyone involved feel relaxed, safe, and secure. Maybe a favourite colour in lingerie to appeal to your partner’s sense of sight. Maybe a scent that makes things romantic. Perhaps the song ‘Too Lost in You’ by The Sugababes to really set the mood?
The point is, we try to make the sexual experience amazing in every way. Why not lend that to masturbation as well? I’m not insisting you wear something special when you masturbate (bit counterproductive) but ensure you are at your most relaxed to really enjoy the sense of pleasure that you will hopefully get after your time with yourself.
Stimulants
From my experience and through conversation, women have been largely less responsive to visual stimuli during heterosexual intercourse (no offense, but ball sacks aren’t attractive). To combat this I discovered an app that had a library of ‘audio stories for adults’. These catered to all kinds of tastes- heterosexual intercourse, homosexual intercourse, threesomes, and even the voice of a man or woman talking to you, guiding you on how to navigate through your body. When you have an entire library, you may as well experience it all. I browsed through everything- a scenario where a man and a woman had just moved into their new home and the man finds it rather sexually enticing that the woman is hammering a nail into the wall; another one where the man had been gone for a long time and was now finally visiting his girlfriend and the sex was destructive; and another one where a male salsa dance teacher tells me that I was terrific in his class and that he couldn’t stop staring at my butt throughout. Closing your eyes and imagining these things happening to you could stimulate you more than anything else.
No Pressure
The brilliant thing about ‘you time’ is that it is literally all about you and you can take your time to explore all you want. Too often I had had to fake an orgasm simply because I felt like I was taking too long (one of my partners was literally Donkey from Shrek, ‘are we there yet?’) or because I didn’t think my partner would ever be able to hit the right spot, because what even is the right spot? But we can always use this time to find what works for us, which positions, what sort of action, and even how long.
Self-pleasure is just like self-care and while it won’t become as mainstream as self-care soon, it should sure get priority on everyone’s agenda.
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