Indian Lady Lessons
What they do teach you
- Put your bra strap out of sight. Nobody needs to know you’re wearing a bra.
- Marriage is the ultimate goal of the Indian lady.
- Women are stronger than men, hence they are more accepting of bullshit- so give your man a second chance when he says or does something out of line. Failing that, give him a third chance because you have more emotional strength than your man.
- When you’re on your period, you can’t attend religious ceremonies because you are unclean.
- The shape of a roti is round. If it ain’t round, it ain’t a roti. It’s garbage.
- If you are at your in-laws, wear fancy-ass clothing because you weren’t raised in a ghetto.
- “Sit properly”.
- Don’t curse. Cursing is for those who were raised in a ghetto.
- Indian girls from “good” households don’t dance or sing or act- if you’re a good girl, you’d better be shy and not explore any talents or hobbies.
- If you are at a family event, let a male go to the bar and fetch you a non alcoholic drink lest everyone around you should think you drink alcohol.
What they should teach you
- Self defense. Given the amount of rape stories I see on Indian media, I feel like this should be number 2 on the Indian education board’s agenda, with number 1 obviously being teaching boys not to rape. But that could literally take generations, realistically. So while that happens, may as well give women the power to destroy whoever comes at her with bad intentions.
- Entering a Jeep Wrangler whilst wearing a sari is extremely scary
- Third chances are overrated. Second chances are alright- after due diligence.
- Rajma Chawal is a surprising antidote to period cramps. Fizzy drinks on the other hand may make you throw up.
- Some of the most popular chefs globally are men, so don’t let anybody expect you to cook your man a nice meal just because you’re a woman. I didn’t know how to use an oven until I was 21, so if someone does expect me to cook my future man a nice meal, I feel sad for them. Okay, fine, I was 25 when I used an oven for the first time.
- Do whatever you want whenever, not “when you are married” or “when your husband is okay with it”. I wanted to dye my hair purple when I was 15. When my mum heard, she said I could do it when I’m married and if my husband is alright with it. I am now 27 and my hair is jet black. Okay, that’s a lie. My hair is jet black except for the four grey hairs I spotted on my head in September 2020. I am not happy with that. Should have dyed my hair when I was 15. The point is- you are your own person. Do what gives you joy. Unless it’s crime.
- At any time, there is a 90% chance that a man is ogling at you in a creepy fashion, with or without you wearing ‘revealing’ clothing. I was taught this by an actual creep who was ogling at me when I was dressed in boots, jeans, a shirt and an oversized jacket with the hood covering half my face. What was he even looking at? If he’s ogling at me when I am dressed this modestly, surely I could be wearing a sexy dress and still be getting the same reaction, so what is even the point of modest clothing?
- Scientific research suggests that when you swear amongst your friends, you subconsciously show that you trust them. So, curse away, ladies and gents.
- If you want to sing, or dance, or act, please get lessons. Hone your talents. Also, you are never too old to learn new things.
- The smoothest whiskey is Monkey Shoulder. The best wine is Argentine Malbec. The best rum is Takamaka from the Seychelles. The best Gin is Hendricks. The best vodka is any vodka- if you’re drinking vodka, you basically don’t care anymore. The best tequila is non-existent. And there will always be at least one mixer that you can’t look at without feeling nauseous because it brings back memories from a particularly drunken night. For me, it’s a cold night in October 2011. Five double vodkas with cranberry juice. A guy peeing in my bathroom with the door wide open. And me convincing some guy that smoking is the worst and then sharing a cigarette with him. Can’t do cranberry juice anymore. Also, sharing a cigarette now could cause COVID. So that’s just super.