DATING
How Dating Changed my Perspective on Love and Life
If you’re cringing, you’ve learnt a lesson
A few months ago I met some couples who knew nothing about online dating and concepts such as ‘f*ckboys’, ‘ghosting’ and ‘DTF’ were alien to them. These were couples who had met or started dating about ten years ago and the roadblocks in relationships we know today didn’t exist for them. Things like ‘he takes ages to text me back, do you think he’s cheating on me?’ were never a question. ‘I saw her story on instagram, she was in a nightclub but she didn’t have time to come and see me — I think we know what that means’, would never have been conjecture back then. As we conversed, the story of how I am single and how online dating is my life now, eventually came up. Their bafflement at the daily trials and tribulations of online dating made me realise how different we have it to those who found their SOs back in the day.
When I was 18, online dating was frowned upon. When I told my flatmate at university that I was going out with someone I met on Tinder, her immediate reaction was to let me know she will be awake until that time that I come home, safe and with all my possessions and dignity intact. Now, nearly ten years later, the reality is that online dating is a big part of our lives and we can’t deny it. Where businesses have come up with online solutions to many of their products and services, why is finding an online solution to love any different?
As many of my fellow millennials have, I have also gone through some very disturbing and some fun interactions in my online dating life and they have left me with lessons that I will take to my grave for changing my perspective not only to love but also to life.
Know Your Purpose
It’s probably a heavy detail in life to have to focus on but when you do something, always have a clear purpose for it in mind. Even if it feels like a purpose that isn’t socially acceptable, or accepted amongst your friends and family — you need a purpose for everything. An online dating purpose could be anything — a serious relationship, making friends, having a f*ck buddy, having a casual relationship — anything. As long as you know what you are after, all is well. The minute you start sliding into ‘I will go with the flow and see what happens’, you will get dangerously close to the ‘you are wasting your time’ territory. If you are happy with that, by all means go ahead. You are allowed to have fun and explore things a bit before you define your purpose. You will likely spend all your life finding a purpose, so there’s no guarantee that you will find your online dating purpose right away. But if you don’t have a purpose and if the little bugger called ‘feelings’ gets involved, chances are you will emerge heartbroken.
Communicate Your Purpose Truthfully
Once you know your purpose, communicate honestly and say exactly what you are looking for. There was once someone who told me he was looking for a casual relationship but that he wouldn’t run away from ‘us’ if things took a serious turn. I didn’t have a clear purpose in my head at that point or a clear idea of what I was looking for, so I said, ‘yeah, same’ — when in reality, I had started developing romantic feelings for him. Had I had the guts to say ‘that’s actually not where I’m at and I think we should stop seeing each other’, I’d have saved myself months of heartache.
Loving Freely vs. Exercising Caution
When I was 19, I used to think of myself as the girl who would ‘love freely’. If there was a poster depicting my romantic state of mind, it would be of a girl in a large field, standing with open arms, hair down, huge smiled plastered on her face. In hindsight, I might have been thinking of a Bollywood movie poster. There was nothing wrong with that girl, except that she believed that everyone loves freely. That’s just not true, is it? People do love freely but they don’t all get there at the same pace. Before rushing into love freely, take some time to understand that people go through multiple experiences in life and these multiple experiences affect how they feel everything — love, joy, sadness, even humour. Give your heart freely, but not to everyone. Not everyone deserves your heart.
If There’s Drama in it, It’s Probably Not Right for You
There are so many people who believe that nothing worth having comes easy. Why, though? Why can’t you get something you deserve without any extra trimmings of drama? If a relationship is giving you more tears and drama than you need, it’s probably not the one for the long haul. Sitcoms on TV show the Rosses and Rachel’s of the world, the Sheldon’s and Amy’s, the Ted’s and Robin’s — they break up and make up all the time. In reality, life should be more Jake and Amy — you meet, you fall in love, you get married — probably not without any roadblocks or complications, but with less heartache than necessary. If someone is making you unhappy, leave. If someone’s behaviour is stressing you out, leave. If someone’s absence gives you peace of mind, leave. It’s hard, of course, but you owe yourself a life without tears and drama.
Sometimes Things Just Don’t Work Out — And That’s Good
In love and in life, not everything goes your way — and it’s frustrating. That job you wanted, that promotion you were perfect for, that team you were supporting that lost the match, that man you wanted a second date with but didn’t text you back — things go wrong all the time and we can’t control anything. Just because you want something, doesn’t mean you will get it. And because you don’t get it, you are better off without it. Trust me. When you don’t get something or someone you wanted, know that something better will come your way. If it doesn’t, you make it happen. Go after what you want but if it doesn’t come to you, let it be. Sometimes, things just don’t work out.
Did my dating experience leave me a little bit scarred? Abso-f*cking-lutely. But I’m a big girl, I’ll get over it.
